The Managing Director
Capital Resolve Ltd
11 April 2014
Re: "We've arranged for a Debt Recovery Officer to call at your property on 18th April 2014 between 10am and 8pm, reference 016668."
Capital show! Go get her!
You must be the fourth or fifth debt collection agency using my personal contact details to try to recover money from Anne Machin.
Mrs Root reckons she's probably one of these lefty, pinko, communist types fallen foul of the bedroom tax, or possible a research assistant for that Culture Secretary playing fast and loose with a parliamentary credit card, thinking it's 0% finance the entire length of Bond street.
Seriously though, we have had quite enough of being pursued for Ms Machin's debt.
Accordingly, we are sending you a bill for £50 to compensate for all the harassment, stress and time wasted dealing with this matter. If you have trouble paying the bill, don't worry, we're here to help, and I am sure we will be able to arrange an affordable payment plan for you. If the bill is not payed in full within six months however, we will be placing the matter in the hands of some trawler men we know.
You'd better send your goons in packs of six and in full body armor on the 18th. Mrs Root makes Lara Croft look like Miss Tiggywinkle when she's wielding a pair of fish hooks. We're still coming across filleted bits of bondsmen from last years lot.
Details of all texts and phone calls and any further communications received from you regarding Anne Machin's debt will be forwarded to the Information Commissioner and to Companies House.
By the way, will your boys arrive in time for breakfast on the 18th, and do they all like their kippers smoked?
Look forward to meeting you on the 18th.
Henry & Mrs Root
(Purveyors of Wet Fish and 'Advice' to the Debt Collection Industry)
PS- Morrisons still owe us for 2 tons of smoked haddock. Are you interested?